Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Post #500: Lie to Me

I told my parents and Jim that my friend wouldn't call back. I told them, and I'll tell you: one of his goats had kids, when we were kids, and he said I could have it when it was big enough to leave its mother. One day I went to visit that kid, and it was gone. When I asked about it, he said someone had made a great offer, and he'd needed the money. I was furious.

Months later, I still hadn't dropped it, and he told me the truth: he hadn't sold the kid; it had died. He hadn't wanted to make me cry.


And aren't we still so much, as adults, who we were at, say, twelve? Thirteen? I'm so much the same. Life has given me plenty of opportunities to buck up, to toughen up, but I'm still as easily broken as ever I was. My own brother avoids me on his worst days.

***

"I need you to call me every couple days," I tell my thirteen-year-old. "I'm not like your dad. My nerves. You know," I say.

"I know," he says. 

"And when you call, say nice things like how much you miss me and how you can't wait to see me again," I tell him.

"But, Mom," he asks, "won't you wonder if I'm just saying those things because you told me to?"

"Not at all," I tell him. "Lie to me. Tell me you miss me so much you can hardly sleep."

He laughs.

***

The phone rings. My friend. I close my eyes and float on his accent, his voice, as he tells me his hard truths. "I don't like what you're saying to me," I tell him, "but I'm so glad you called me back. I love you."

"I know," he says. "I love you, too."

"I want to pray with you," I tell him ("Alright," he says.), "but I'll probably cry."

"Don't cry," he says. "Everything's ok." 
 
Later, I stare into the dark and think to myself: we've changed, but we haven't. His words broke me, but not to the point I couldn't pray. And he didn't try to protect me with lies, at all, up to the point of his saying everything's ok. Let's just call that what it was: a bunch of crap.

***

The phone rings. My son. I close my eyes and float on his ever-deepening voice. "Hi, Mom," he says. "I miss you."

"Having trouble sleeping?" I ask.

"Totally," he says. I can hear his smile.

***

Struggling a little this week, Friends. I feel burdened for several loved ones, and I miss my big kid, whom I haven't seen since Friday. He goes on vacation with his dad every year, and every year I wonder if I'll handle it better than the year before, but--sure as clockwork--I always start crying come Day #4 or #5: not out of concern, just the missing.

Also, I seem to have gotten myself a mystery illness of the sore-throat variety for which--as of today--I'm taking antibiotics that may or may not help, according to the first general practitioner I've seen, I think, in at least six years.

I hope to see you here on Friday, regardless, for a second virtual (but old-fashioned) prayer meeting. Just in case this is spiritual warfare, I don't want to let the enemy win.

In the meantime, and on the heels of reading Beth's brave post on deconversion and Shelly's thought-provoking post on honest feedback, I think I'll continue asking myself: how well do I receive truth? (I have a ways to go, I suspect.)

This has been my 5ooth post in this space. Thank you for being here with me.

14 comments:

  1. Praying for strength and peace and healing for you tonight, Brandee.
    Loved that little snippet at the end of the conversation with your son - hearing the smile.

    And you are right - I am so much like I was as a 12/13 year old - hopefully a little wiser, a little stronger - but pretty much the same at the core.

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  2. Congrats on 500 posts. That, my friend, is perseverance. Btw, I'll bet that oldest son of yours is missing you bit time. I'll pray with you on Friday. Maybe I'll pray for a bit more of that T I have to squeeze into all that F you have. :)

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    1. Yes. My F makes me so tired, sometimes. But I don't know how to turn it off! love you

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  3. I *so* thought this post was going to be about the Johnny Lang song of the same title...not! :)

    I know the feelings all too well. Had to swallow a lot to get my heart back out of my throat when my two oldest boys deployed to Iraq; had to do it again when the middle one was deployed to Afghanistan. Both home, and safe.

    See you Friday :)

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    1. Yes, Friend, you understand perfectly. I got on my knees and begged a loved one not to go into the military, bur he went, anyway. I rejoiced when it appeared that he, like your sons, had returned home safely. Then his body starting breaking down in mysterious and inexplicable ways down the pike. I absolutely think it's tied to his time in service, although no one has told me that: it's a gut thing. I think it's the reason I was so burdened when he left. Please don't stop praying for your sons' safe return from those places, and I will add them to my prayer list.

      So glad to have become blog friends with another prayer warrior.

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  4. Congrats on #500! So glad you're my blog friend. :) I'm not lying.

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    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. I'm so glad, too.

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  5. I hope and pray you feel better soon!! It kills me when my son is away, even if it is only for a few days!! I feel that emptiness, which scares me for the future! I definitely want him to be independent, on his own, living a healthy, happy adult life! Yet, that time is approaching way too fast!! My heart gets so heavy thinking about the day he will move out for good!! Must not think of it!

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    1. Thank you, Margie. Let's pray for one another about this, too: that God will make our hearts ready when it's time. love you

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  6. I just love that momma's heart of yours. You encourage me to be a better one. That son of yours, he just loves you so much, you can just hear it thru this whole thing. Keep up the great parenting, keep itup.

    And, I pray for that 'cold'. Heal her Lord!

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    1. Thank you, Marlece. You're such an encouragement to me, and you're such a wonderful mama, yourself! I'm starting to feel better; thank you for praying for me!

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  7. Congratulations on #500! You're a steadier blogger than I am. Sorry about the sore throat. I pray the meds help quickly. Amore has an abscessed tooth, and the antibiotics seem to be helping a little after 48 hrs.

    I'm so sorry you're having a rough week missing your oldest. That's no fun, but missing that much means you love each other that much. That's an amazing blessing not many mothers of teens have.

    I'm sorry I still haven't gotten you called. You are still on my list of people to spend time with in person or otherwise; I keep getting farther and farther behind on such things. Please forgive me?

    Love,
    c

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    1. Feeling a little better, tonight, and excited--so excited!--for Cade to get home tomorrow night. Sorry to hear about A.'s tooth! Yow! Call anytime; nothing to forgive...xo

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