I have been trying to determine why this thing happened, and I have no idea why or even who. (Was God messing with me? If so, why? Was God allowing the enemy to mess with me? If so, why? Were both God and the enemy completely uninvolved; was it just a human thing? If so, where was God?)
Maybe I'll never know. "Why?" is such a pitiful little, rarely-answered question.
"What am I supposed to be learning?" is better; I can rarely answer it, either, but I can usually come up with something.
In this case, I can come up with a few things. Firstly (and I hesitate to write this for fear of further testing), I might not be able to control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it. You're probably reading this, thinking DUH, but I'm a hot-tempered mama; for me, that's huge.
I turned pretty quickly to the Word, this time, which led of course to learning of a concrete nature. I got into a study of keys and started examining parallels between Eliakim son of Hilkiah, Peter, and Christ: so interesting. And I'm still working out what I think will be an especially valuable lesson on prophecy.
And then there's this: I need Him. I can't do anything without Him. I can't even do His own work without Him. I need Him.
The chaotic moments I describe for you? They're my norm. Seriously. My days tend to be more like that than otherwise. I'm a deeply unorganized, unstructured person with a short fuse. I've got a man who thinks differently than I and may well be even more passionate than I. I've got joint custody of a deeply unorganized (apple doesn't fall far from the tree) thirteen-year-old. I spend nearly every moment with a busy, destructive, sassy four-year-old; a rowdy, defiant (tease of a daredevil) two-year-old; and a clingy five-month-old. We live in a log cabin just old enough that all major systems are starting to go. It's crazy town.
I need Him. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him, times infinity. I wouldn't want to do it without Him. I need Him.