Thursday, October 25, 2012

After the Fall

I gasp, sometimes, from the hard kicks of the baby within and find, especially in the middle of the night: my hips don't want to bear our weight to the bathroom. I crank a little dial and stab dutifully into my inner thigh but often feel lightheaded or weak, nonetheless, for reasons barely (or un) detectable in my blood.

I study a spiderweb dangling from a door frame and consider: if a creature of industry exists in this house, she ignores webs, dust, fingerprints, spots. Or does she simply busy herself in some other corner, making something from nothing?

My neighbor hisses that I should get over myself because she, too, has suffered, and some things (and people) aren't meant to be, and some are, and everything works out in the end; there's no good reason not to pick up the phone.

She's right; I don't know of a mother (or any woman, for that matter) who hasn't suffered. We're each of us left holding an apple with bites taken out of it, and don't so many men--even if they don't want to admit it--gloat, disregard, disrespect, undermine?

We women should forge bonds of love, and that's where both my neighbor and I are wrong.

Admittedly, I tire of trying to make something pleasant of that which threatens to rot: foxes and lamps from brightly colored leaves, pies from apples, lanterns from pumpkins, intimacy from brokenness.

Trust me on this: what a strange time to bring new life into the world; everything around me is so very busy dying.


  1. Wow, what an ending.

    "We women should forge bonds of love," - yes, this is so true, but it is such a struggle for me. I wish it weren't.

  2. Poignant. Haunting. Raw. The last week is the hardest. I'm glad you could release this and share it in such a beautiful way. Praying for you and Chip. :)

  3. Hi Brandee,

    I enjuoy being back here again, reading your stuff and peeking in your window. Congratulations on this new life growing in you! Good job too on growing beauty in the leaves and nature around you. Your last lines grabbed me in a poignant bleak beauty way. :) "what a strange time to bring new life into the world; everything around me is so very busy dying."

    Have a lovely week from misty MN where pumpkins smile next to tall cattails on my front porch,
    Jennifer Dougan

  4. So honest and beautiful, Brandee. You are a blessing.

  5. this is an incredible post. especially this: what a strange time to bring new life into the world; everything around me is so very busy dying.

    sharing. xo

  6. Thinking of you, Friend.

    And what everyone else said? Yup.

    Praying you through. . .

  7. beautiful, poignant and TRUE. But fortunately not the only truth or the whole truth. Prayers for you, Brandee, as the day draws near - that all will be well and that in the midst of death, you can celebrate the gift of life. Love to you.

  8. Brandee, this is a great post!
    I love what you saw and thought to write this. May the new life bring blessing and encouragment amongst the struggle.

  9. Almost there!

    So many prayers answered!!

    He is SO Faithful!

  10. Oh, girlie, you are almost there. These things that look like they are dying? They only are sleeping so the roots will grow strong. You are nourishing up some strong roots for that wee one, my friend. Prayers and hugs heading your way.

  11. I'm sorry your neighbor said that. You're on the home stretch! Amen to what Laura said.

  12. What a wondrous time to bring new life into the show those around you that all is not as it seems to our eyes. GOD has the bigger story.

  13. Wow. Beautifully written. Thinking of you today. I know that hip pain oh so well. Would gladly take pushing out the 9 lb baby. ;)

  14. Hi Brandee! This post is powerful and bittersweet. Love to you as you prepare to push out a 9 lb baby. Two of my four were over 9 lbs...somedays I think I would LOVE to do so again...but I'm getting old and not sure I'm equipped for more. Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog the other day...glad you stopped by! Will be thinking of you this week as you prepare to welcome a new one. Nothing like a baby in the house...My husband used to say, "We need another baby so someone in this house will be sweet..." (apropos to your post about your almost teen).