I feel so happy in this moment and almost a little guilty for it (given the situation with your mom), but just: you'll never know how conflicted I felt about homeschooling the little kids, and for how long. Sometimes I flip-flopped from one hour to the next. Even if I managed to lean one way for an entire week, I didn't have peace, and I didn't understand why...especially because I was really praying.
My pro and con lists were almost the same length, and I could write them out for you, but truth is: all the cons stemmed from self-doubt. I didn't know if I could do it, and maybe I can't.
I never thought to ask God to send you home (I wonder why; you'd worked from home before Char and Chip were born, and that had been good for us), but--when you told me you'd be working remotely starting May 1st--I remembered all over again: God sees me. He knows who I am, how I am. He knows what I need.
Your job keeps you hopping (or talking and typing). I don't see you much during the day; you're holed up in the office you put together in the corner of our bedroom. But that's okay. I don't need you much during your work hours. I need you during what used to be your driving hours. I need you to help this morning hater get the day started, and I need you to help me shut the day down.
You'd struggled to understand why I'd been so very...done by 6:30, so I was touched, today, when you said: "I have a whole new appreciation for what you've been doing around here, and I'm sorry I haven't been more supportive." All this time, that's what I've wanted: not so much for you to do anything as for you to see me. Now, you do. Or, at least, you hear me. And when a little person gets particularly unruly downstairs, your voice booms down from above like the very voice of God. I had no idea how much I needed that little bit of reinforcement.
I'm not too proud to admit: I don't know if I can homeschool the little kids. But I know we can. I have so much peace about it, now. What a gift to have you home.
I love you.
Brandee
**writing in community with Amber and Seth Haines
OH BRANDEE, that is wonderful, I love how the Lord gave you a little nudge with a word of encouragement from the one you needed the approval from. When this happens it all makes sense and gives you a little more confidence in who you are as a person.
ReplyDeleteI love my homeschool years and who knows the Lord might direct me to school them again. Forever changing in the household. I'm not an expert but I cheer you on Brandee.
A little story, yesterday I pulled Corvan from school just to spend some one on one with me, we were going thru the check out line and the store and the (very sweet) checker go big eyes and said, "OH, are we homeschooling again?" I didn't get a chance to say no before she started hugging me and telling me she was so happy I am doing it again.
It makes a difference for ALL, I am learning. (smile)
Truly awesome. A case of God hearing you, and giving you exactly what you needed. I think it's wonderful that Jim can just "be there", even if he's working, on the phone, etc. So many companies don't allow telecommuting (ours doesn't, you can't micromanage when a person isn't present). I know how horrible those commuting hours can be, and they are HOURS totally, 100% lost. I'm sure he will be thrilled to have that extra time with his wonderful family, too!
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
Seeing each other is the biggest challenge, isn't it? It means so much to me when Travis reminds me of that, and in that sweet reminder I remember that God always sees. It's wonderful!
ReplyDeleteSo good to see you my friend and read your encouraging words. I haven't visited in awhile and it was like a breath of fresh air. Your confirmation is something that I needed to see today. God at work. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing part of your story with us. I really like the statement: not so much for you to do anything as for you to see me. I think we just want to be seen by our husbands more and be heard more than for them to do something I particular.
ReplyDelete