Dear Baby Chip,
Two days ago, you hit your first half birthday. I don't recollect grieving a birthday smaller than ten, before, let alone a half birthday of any number, but I felt sad, Baby Chip, and still do.
I think it has to do with knowing you're my last, also with knowing harder ages are coming; I'm living three harder ages, right now, with your siblings. They sass and argue and grumble, and sometimes I can't please them even when I'm my best (deeply flawed) self.
Truth be told, I'm not ready for your first tooth or your second word. ("Mama" is just perfect, thank you very much!) I'm not ready for you to start rolling (crawling, walking, running!) away from me and eating green beans.
I will say: I long ago knew this man, living independently deep into his nineties, sharp as he'd ever been and strong. I asked him his secret; he told me he'd nursed his mother as a kindergartener. He remembered pulling a stool up to her, he said, while she washed plates in the kitchen sink. In over a decade, I haven't forgotten, and it's sounding better, less ridiculous, to me all the time.
Just: I love how your eyes follow me around the room during those rare moments that you're neither asleep nor in my arms. I love how I'm your hands-down favorite: how you nearly always smile out for me.
We were dancing to "Black Hole Sun" in the party shack, earlier, Baby Chip, and you laid your velvety head against my chest: followed our very real sun down, down with your heavy eyes and off to sleep. The others were in the yard and paying us no nevermind, so I just kept swaying under the rope lights, thinking how it's been six months and, still, every day with you feels like a miracle hard won. Wishing I could stop the clock.
And then I realized: I can. I have that power in my very fingertips. So here we are, Baby Chip, and it will always be May 2013 on this page. I wear extra weight on my hips, and I've neither colored my hair nor plucked my brows; still, you think I'm beautiful and perfect, just everything you need and even want. I tell you this against harder days, Baby Chip: it's springtime, and you and I are so very deeply in love.
Always yours, Mama
Now you're making me not want him to grown up! Teary eyes here as oldest granddaughter turns 10 next month...TEN! OUCH!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, Brandee. I remember these feelings with my final baby - a boy, also. Bittersweet and wonderful.
ReplyDeleteLetters like this make me wonder if our parents thought about writing them to us...and what they would say. Plus, every time I read words of love on a blog, I always tell the writer make sure you print this out!
ReplyDeleteI would love for baby Chip to have it later.
I've wished many times for my mother's, mothering thoughts on paper. Especially her 21yo thoughts. And her 32yo thoughts, when I was 13. By the time she was my age, I was grown. Yet, she seemed so mature to me even when she was very young. I bind and print all of my posts religiously b/c my main purpose in blogging is to write things down for my kids.
DeleteI have longed for ANY references to my childhood other than my own, I didn't write alot for my kids other than a fill in the blank baby book which doesn't touch your blogging efforts and I can't wait to finally see the books you speak of....... you know I need to do some 365, I think i am beginning to get writing back, I lost it ...........the desire and the ability for a while.. but I did take photos........ lots of them :)
Deleteaww! what a sweet, precious letter! Thank you for letting us read it. He has a beautiful smile, and I love the part where you write "smile out for me." I can picture it perfectly!
ReplyDeleteWhat an adorable smile. The light in his eyes says so much.
ReplyDeleteI love knowing how in love you are with your babes, doesn't it just make your heart pitter patter a little faster just thinking about them. I'm sure the Lord feels the same way about His kids? You are a beautiful Momma!
ReplyDeleteWow...I can't believe Chip is 6 months already! Seems like only thr "other day" I was praying with you for his arrival into this world. He looks so happy and contented, Brandee...You are a GREAT mother and doing an awesome job! {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteI love this every single bit of it.................. :)
ReplyDeleteDear Brandee
ReplyDeleteMy two sons are 21 and 23 years old and I can honestly say, dear friend, that I am even more in love with them. Actually it is an ever growing enigmatic bond between a mother and her son!! What a handsome young man this love of your heart is. Chip is quite a friendly little chap.
Blessings from Emily's
Mia
Oh good heavens, girl! I had to stop and start over on reading this because I thought Baby Chip was a year old already. No way I was ready for time to have flown that fast!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, you are in the midst of harder ages with your older ones. And, no, there will be many times you won't be able to please them, no matter how hard you try. Remember that they are fighting their own battles, and very few of them have anything to do with what an amazing mama you are. Keep thinking of reaching out to them as you would a wounded animal--you're much less likely to get your hand bitten off that way :)
And...yes! Yes! Yes! Print this out for the handsome and fabulous Mr. Chip. Just do it. Says your bossy friend :)
Oh goodness! How precious! We're celebrating eight months next weekend, and I cannot believe time has flown so fast. What a handsome lad you have! This is precious and should end up in his baby book! <3
ReplyDeleteYes, we CAN stop the clock a bit with words and pictures.
ReplyDeleteI miss dancing with six month olds. His smiles are just precious.
What a beautiful letter and something to treasure as he does grow. My boys are now 23 and 21...where did time go? I miss the days of when they were little but at the same time love the pleasure of watching what they have become. Thank you for sharing. Stopping from Emily's.
ReplyDeletemy sweet brandee... i hope you print this off for your dear chip.... although the idea of him nursing you as a kindergartner might not be one he wants to think about when he's older :P, this is a real keepsake lady. i love how you love on your family. xo
ReplyDelete