Sunday, October 5, 2014

The God-sized Void

So. I'd chunked up a bit, but I wasn't particularly bothered until my fingers swelled up like hotdogs. My feet swelled, too, and I could barely squeeze them into a pair of shoes that--I kid you not--used to flop off my heels. I felt fatigued and thirsty often, dizzy sometimes, and after a couple weeks, I decided to see someone.

I didn't have a doctor but found a physician assistant who could see me within a couple of days. She ran a bunch of blood work and, a week later, assured me I was fine: cholesterol a wee bit elevated, she said, but not enough for her to recommend a course of treatment. She advised my losing twenty pounds and taking it easy on the sodium.

I'd been planning since mid-August to enter a Daniel fast on the date of the follow-up and received the PA's words as a sign. I'm thankful for my lab results (and pleasantly surprised, in particular, by the ones related to my blood sugar) but know I'm pushing it. I know I'm too heavy. I know I'm too sedentary. I know I'm too tired, too often, and I know I struggle in holding my eyes open after I eat dessert.

I know this isn't God's best for me. I know I'm not my best, for God.

I love the cleansing aspect of the Daniel fast but the spiritual aspect, even more. I know God sees me. I can hear His voice more clearly when I'm fasting, and over the last couple weeks, He's used the words of others--Lysa TerKeurst, Jen and Craig Ferguson (more about their book, Monday), Seth Haines, Laura Boggess, and my own Pastor David--to reveal to me: all my life, I've looked to man, food, or both to fill a void only the Lord can fill.

I've asked God to heal me: to help me turn to Him--no one and nothing else--for approval, comfort, and love. He is so faithful. I know He will continue to work in, through, and with me.

I have eight days more to go with the Daniel fast. I appreciate its three-week time frame because it takes three weeks, supposedly, to break a habit. I've written that before. I've also written before: I hope to continue making healthy food choices after coming off the fast. I'd like to continue avoiding dairy, gluten, sugar, and sugar substitutes for the most part.

I appreciate Lysa TerKeurst's strategy with sugar/dessert, which is to consume it only according to a long-range plan: never spur-of-the-moment. I've thought about what that might look like for me. What desserts do I know I'll want before the end of the year? I can think of three: an apple cider doughnut on Carter Mountain,  a Nutter Butter ghostie at halloween (a tradition), and a slice of my mama's pumpkin pie over the holidays. What if I were able to commit to eating only those three desserts between now and the end of the year? What if I were able to commit to one sandwich per week (on wheat bread) bowl of cereal per week...Diet Coke only when we go to the movies or eat in a sit-down restaurant? These are the sorts of questions I'm asking prayerfully.

Will you pray for me? Will you ask God to make my hunger for Him, only? I'm tired and tired of being tired, and more than that, I'm tired of feeling desperate. I know God alone is the source of the peace I've sought in so many misguided ways.

1 comment:

  1. I just love you, your honest, transparent heart. It took God's help to lose over 50 lbs in my thirties and it still takes Him to eat right, exercise and maintain a healthy weight. don't worry about the number on the scale but on being healthy, on being the best you you can be.