Monday, September 7, 2015

Celebrating Jay


Best I could, I celebrated the life of a friend, today. My mood (as you can see in the photo above) wasn't particularly celebratory, but neither was anyone else's. It was a sober occasion.

I met my friend in the blogosphere about a year ago upon googling something related to Richmond and photography. (I forget what, exactly.) This guy, he knew something about everything, and he knew a lot about photography. I've had a lot of questions over the course of the last year, and he was incredibly generous with his knowledge.

He was incredibly generous, in general. At every turn, he gave more than he took. He would meet me for dinner, answer questions until my mind couldn't hold any more answers, and pay the bill. Whatever questions I asked between dinners, he answered thoroughly, thoughtfully, immediately. And he seemed excited to be a go-to person for me, also genuinely excited by my growth as a photographer.

He was constantly affirming, constantly encouraging...so much so that I was a bit baffled. I wondered on more than one occasion: what's in it for this guy? Why is he being so...nice to me?

He read and commented on my blog faithfully and said often that my family reminded me of his, growing up. (He was one of four children.) I was 15-16 years younger than he, but he also remarked more than once that I reminded him of his mother. He missed her so much, he said. He loved me, he said, for bringing her back to him in certain ways.

Still, I wondered. It takes awhile for me to trust (really trust) someone. Years and years. A decade, maybe. And long before I had the chance to figure out my friend, he took his own life. He warned us it might happen, then told us why it did.

I attended a celebration of my friend's life, today, because I believe (really believe) in being a friend in death. I'm not going to guess or judge, I told myself; I'm just going. I have no idea what to expect, and I won't know a soul, but he was my friend. Whatever the situation that precipitated his suicide, he was my friend! He was never anything! but kind to me and, come to think of it, my entire family. (He helped move my older daughter's piano.)

And here's something I've said before: often, if people do things for others, expecting nothing in return and from a perfect place in their hearts, the Lord, in His great mercy, will reveal that they have done those things for themselves. Based upon the remembrances shared, today, I think my friend possessed an intimate understanding of this concept. He was the ultimate volunteer, they said. He showed up early and stayed late. We'll have a hard time replacing him, they said, and it may be impossible. Nothing made him happier than helping others.

And person after person said: he changed my life by believing in me.

Best I could, I celebrated the life of a friend, today. I wanted to be a friend until the bitter end. Then a tall man with a small Bible walked to the front of the room and reminded me: perseverance of the saints. (Google it.) This is not the end.

And thank goodness, because my friend was just as kind as he seemed.

Rest in peace, Jay. I will dearly miss your encouragement.

16 comments:

  1. Thank you for this moving tribute, Brandee.

    It used to make me tired reading Jay's blog, what with all his volunteer activities. He was always willing to help anyone.

    But I used to wonder if he was short changing himself, in terms of his physical and emotional health? Was focusing on others his way of avoiding focusing on himself?

    We all saw warning signs, and we all gave the perfunctory "hang in there" support. Could we have done more?

    I think Jay was hard-headed; when he decided to do something (or not) he would stick to his guns, maybe this was his undoing.

    Well, I'm rambling now...so much that could have been.

    Thanks for being a friend to Jay, and me.

    Love,

    -Andy

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    1. One of the many things I appreciate about you is that you are asking the same sorts of questions, just now, as I. Sending love spiraling.

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  2. Brandee,

    First, thank you for going to the memorial and sharing your thoughts with us.

    Jay (Tray in my circle of friends) had this habit of finding and befriending interesting people. Everywhere. As one of the people said yesterday, it always seemed that no matter where you were, he always knew *someone* near by.

    I remember when he bought that camera, how genuinely excited he truly was.You could hear it in his voice. Nevermind that I couldn't understand half of the features of that camera, he could tell you every performance spec on it like a gear-head can quote performance specs on a car.

    He got the same way about new radios and getting everything together to make his station perform at its best. We would go to radio shows together and he would say "Now I need one of...." and have a list of three or four things. Then he'd get distracted because he ran into someone he knew, had to talk to them about something, and then say: "Now what was I looking for again...oh, that's right..." and off we'd go in search of whatever it was.

    In the eight or so years I knew Tray, he was as kind and encouraging as he seemed. Yesterday re-affirmed that belief.

    Thanks again for sharing. Best to you and your family.

    Charles
    KI4WCK



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    1. I loved the story about the Troop's skipping line at the Empire State Building because Jay "knew someone." He was so easily distracted and given to tangents, but he always seemed to get where he was going in a way that made someone else glad. We will all miss him.

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  3. A beautiful tribute from a lady who only knew Tray for a short time!

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  4. Oh, Brandee. This is just the hardest stuff. I am so sorry for your loss, for the world's loss. Lord, give us eyes to see and hearts to understand. Beautifully written. Thank you.

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    1. Thank you for all your encouragement and empathy, Diana. Agreeing with you in prayer.

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  5. Thank you for this beautiful post. It means a lot for those of us who would've loved to have gone but couldn't. It's been hard to understand but he touched so many people. He was a friend to me and I will miss him dearly.

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    1. Thank you for being here, Amanda. You are always welcome.

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  6. I don't even know your friend, Jay, and I am crying. This is not the end. Hugs to you, love and prayers.

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    1. Thank you for being one of my most important people.

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  7. So sorry for your loss of a friend who was an encourager. I do hope someone will pick up the baton. Also sorry about your dream, I have no idea about an interpretation - just be wary of the enemy especially if he looks like Freddie.

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  8. Hi Brandee, Thank you for being there and representing us bloggers that knew Jay. I met him through another blogger and got together with him March of 2014. We were both Ham Radio guys, and partly because of our friend Jay I became a blogger, though be it a part timer. Jay's life seemed to have its ups and downs. I am glad I was able to talk with him a few days before the end. Again thanks, much sadness. Randy H.

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    1. I'm so sorry, Randy, for your (our) loss. I'm glad you stopped by.

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