I mean to say: I grow tired of myself. I hesitate to talk about the things that cause my pain; instead, I pretend they're not real. And, to be fair, I don't always know exactly what's real: is it as good (or bad) as I think? Better? Worse?
When I ask my daughters to play a board game, they choose the one with the fairies. When I ask them to choose a book, they bring the tattered red one with nursery rhymes. Together, we sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." My favorite part is this:
Then the traveller in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.
And I wonder: when did I decide it's not ok, magical even, to be quiet and little? Why do I sometimes think I've failed because I'm not a big star? I decide to concentrate on generating a tiny spark. Just a tiny one, in my own, Brandee way.
Isn't it interesting how (during times of vulnerability?) we believe that lie that some how if we are not BIG then we have failed! I mean, large lights tend to blind us and we can't see where we are heading...but a small light gently beckons, it's soft glow like God's Own still small Voice...
ReplyDeletei adore you girlie...you are BIG in my world. BIG! and I know that I know, that i'm not alone.
ReplyDeletefriend? God has been whispering the SAME thing to me lately. "it's okay to be small." how he loves his small ones, just as much as we love our little ones. and more.
ReplyDeleteI've wrestled (am wrestling?) with these feelings too - big vs. little and who/what gets to define that for me. Why is it easier to view myself as a failure instead of a success - or at the very least (or best) faithful?
ReplyDeleteoh how this speaks to me about my own experience. love it. I always love coming here and reading your thoughts. and filtering EVERYTHING through a feeling or three, yep, i totally get that!.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes! There's nothing wrong with small. (And you're clearly not the only one who grapples with these thoughts.) :)
ReplyDelete